I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
