He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
