Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
