Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
