I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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