To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
