My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
