the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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