as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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