My underwear smells like fireworks.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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