Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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