it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
