this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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