You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
