the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
