I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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