News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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