I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
