she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
