i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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