Please, let me fuck your mom
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
