Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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