I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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