my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
