Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
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I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
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She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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