My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
