Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
