textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
