Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
