are you still at the devil's house?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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