I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
