Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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