I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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