No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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