We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
