I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
