i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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