ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
