im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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