Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
