tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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