I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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