life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
