That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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