based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
