If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
