The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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