Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
