the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
