I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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