the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
