Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
