farters have to be the big spoon...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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