so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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