dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
