His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
