can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
