Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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