I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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